Fade Rift: Inbox

[keenly]

you know what to do

Comments

[keenly]

You can't have issues over something you don't have at all. [Colin shrugs, clearly at a low-simmering anger rather than a sharp hurt.] I can't do what you did. Not about this. It's up to him.

[And that's the end of that.]

Anything you need to make yourself comfortable tonight? I know you've got a clean nightshirt here.

[sulahnan]

[ She shakes her head that no, she doesn't need anything. But also, she did say she's stubborn, didn't she? ]

You're right, it is up to him. I told him as much tonight.

[keenly]

[A sympathetic sigh, and he moves in to wrap his arms around her.]

You're perfect. You know that?

[sulahnan]

Oof, I hope not. [ She holds the bread slice at arm's length so as not to smear him with jam. ] Seems like a lot of responsibility.

[ But she hooks her free arm around him and gives him a reassuring pat on the back. ]

You okay?

[keenly]

I'm fine. [It's not that dismissive excuse it often is, a way of brushing past her concern. He's actually fine.]

I talked to Bastien. He's got me painting the dining hall with Ben now. He...asks a lot of questions.

[sulahnan]

Yeaaah, he finds people really interesting. What kinda stuff did he ask?

[keenly]

Things about my life. Who my first patient was, how I got into healing, what my life at sea was like. Why I have a flat outside the Gallows. Things like that.

[sulahnan]

[ She nods and takes another bite of bread. ]

What was your life at sea like? [ A little cheeky, because she is being trained by Baz, after all. ] Mine was brief and spent either chumming the waters or drunk below.

[keenly]

[Really? Again?

Colin sighs.]

Spending four years doing ciphering in a floating barrel I can't get off of.

[sulahnan]

I'm kidding, Colin. [ She laughs, pleased with that reaction. ] He's training me, so I gotta turn his tricks around on him all the time.

[keenly]

Do you have to turn his tricks around on me, though?

[sulahnan]

[ Properly chastened, though not fully regretful: ] Sorry. You can tell me to fuck off, ya know.

Do you wanna hang out on the balcony tonight? You can say no. I wanna do what you wanna do. Even if that's just...sitting quietly or turning in.

[keenly]

It's all right.

[He thinks about it for a bit, before letting out a breath.]

Let's sit outside.

[sulahnan]

Sounds good.

[ It doesn't take long for Athessa to gobble up her slice of bread and migrate out onto the balcony, where they take up their usual spots on the chairs with wine or tea and the option of elfroot balanced on a decorative plate.

Athessa lays as she does on the deck chair, upside down with her hands folded behind her head, and gazes at the stars. A shooting star leaves a trail across the darkness. ]

Pretty...

[keenly]

[It's a beautiful sight, probably only visible because of the direction of the wind. Colin sighs out elfroot smoke, feeling somewhat more invincible than usual.]

What was it like, tearing up Devigny's house?

[sulahnan]

Scary, at first. [ She puffs out a few smoke rings, watching them drift up, up, and away. ] When I was scouting it out, and when we hadn't gone inside yet. Once we walked in, you could feel how empty it was. You know how sometimes you can walk into an old place and just...get a sense of...something?

[keenly]

Yes.

[sulahnan]

Well, his place didn't have that. No sense of anything, no presence, no...life. It was just empty rooms and empty chairs at empty tables, and a blood stain on his bed.

And wrecking his shit felt good. Felt right.

[ And it made her wonder: what would killing him herself have felt like? ]

Do you ever think about going after Lutair, now that he's not protected?

[keenly]

[he hesitates.]

I did think about it. Julius pointed out if anything happened to him, the Chantry would blame me, so... And I don’t have a place I can tear apart. Kinloch Hold didn’t fall down during Uldred’s rebellion, I sure can’t bring it down. Hasn’t stopped me thinking what might make me feel something like it, though.

[sulahnan]

[ she thought about maybe trying to track him down herself, but with how robbed she felt, she wouldn't want to deny Colin his own retribution. ]

There's plenty more to smash at Devigny's, if you wanna let loose sometime. Nobody's moved in, or seems to care, really.

[keenly]

[a slow blink.]

What I’ve started thinking is...I’ve built my own house. In my head. If he’s really on his own, Lutair’s only home is something I’ve made for him in my mind. I’ve put up defenses to contain the problem and protect myself.

[a long pause.]

Will it upset you if I talk about what he did?

[sulahnan]

[ Athessa looks at him, giving the question serious thought. ]

Only on your behalf, and that it happened to you.

[ She sits upright and extends her hand over the arm rest of her chair, in case he wants it to hold. ]

tw: sexual abuse

[keenly]

[He does take her hand, but he also takes something from his pocket--a small quartz cluster he picked up at the market at Sister Sara's suggestion. His thumb begins to worry at the longest point.]

I... [It's been about ten years since all this ended, and still the air in Colin's lungs becomes heavy.] I remember him coming to meet me in the hallway when I was with my friends. He made some excuse to get me away from them, and we just...talked. He was sad and lonely and needed a friend. I think he must have had a bit of a reputation, because after a while of him doing that, my friends avoided me. So the only friend I had was him. He started touching my arms, then my face. Worked up to spitting in my mouth. It tasted sour.

Then one day, he asked me to go with him to the storage rooms. They were very secluded, and if you could get in there...I knew what he wanted from me. I said no. He stopped pretending to be my friend. He looked so angry, and just...when a Templar silences you with his abilities, it feels like you can't breathe. He dragged me into the storage rooms and threw me against the wall so hard I found blood in my hair later. I don't remember...the next thing I remember is being on my knees. He told me if I told anyone what happened, he'd cut me and say I was a blood mage. My mouth and throat were sore, my face was sticky, and it tasted sour.

Most of my memories of it are like that. [He wipes tears from his eyes with a sleeve.] Sometimes I get flashes of the rest of it, like my mind is putting a puzzle together. If he bruised me or made me bleed, he made me heal myself. Sometimes he said he'd kill me even when I was being good. Called me names. Said...

[he struggles, more tears springing up. his thumb on the quartz becomes frantic.]

He said...

tw: sexual abuse, cont.

[sulahnan]

[ Athessa listens, and as he worries the quartz, she brushes her thumb over his knuckles.

Any number of the things he describes, she's familiar with. From Devigny, from the other girls at the Crimson Cat, from Ciara. She remembers the soreness. The stickiness. Bitter spit and sour words and blood and bile and bruises.

At his struggling, she shifts, moving from her chair to sit in front of him, keeping hold of his hand but limiting herself to just that touch in case touching his face would take him further into memory. ]

Colin, [ her voice is soft, and she looks him in the eye with a reassuring nod, though she can't help but reflect his tears. ] I'm here. You're alright, you're safe.

What did he say?

tw: sexual and mental abuse

[keenly]

[He can't breathe. He leans forward to plant his free elbow on his knee and press his forehead against the fist bearing the quartz, his other hand squeezing Athessa's. When he can finally inhale again, he takes a few shaky breaths before continuing, voice thick. Safe. Athessa's right here. Safe.]

He said this was what I was made for. That it was natural. That he was the Maker's righteous sword and I was cursed. That the holiest thing I could ever do was to serve him.