[ Athessa listens, and as he worries the quartz, she brushes her thumb over his knuckles.
Any number of the things he describes, she's familiar with. From Devigny, from the other girls at the Crimson Cat, from Ciara. She remembers the soreness. The stickiness. Bitter spit and sour words and blood and bile and bruises.
At his struggling, she shifts, moving from her chair to sit in front of him, keeping hold of his hand but limiting herself to just that touch in case touching his face would take him further into memory. ]
Colin, [ her voice is soft, and she looks him in the eye with a reassuring nod, though she can't help but reflect his tears. ] I'm here. You're alright, you're safe.
[He can't breathe. He leans forward to plant his free elbow on his knee and press his forehead against the fist bearing the quartz, his other hand squeezing Athessa's. When he can finally inhale again, he takes a few shaky breaths before continuing, voice thick. Safe. Athessa's right here. Safe.]
He said this was what I was made for. That it was natural. That he was the Maker's righteous sword and I was cursed. That the holiest thing I could ever do was to serve him.
[ Not was. Still is. Athessa presses his hand to her lips, then to her cheek as she leans forward to rest her temple against his. Though his words shake her in turn, she schools her breathing into something he can mimic, that he can focus on. In for four, hold. Out for eight. Twice more than Ciara taught her, because Richard taught her better. ]
He is evil, and wrong, and you did not deserve that. You weren't made for that. [ Because there is no Maker, is how her mind finishes that sentence, but it's not her place to say that now. ]
[He knows that, sort of. He knows he didn't deserve to be raped repeatedly and told he was going to die. He didn't deserve to have his ribs broken at Ghislain, either, but it's simply what happens when you're in an environment like that. Different choices might have led to a different outcome.
The rhythm of her breathing helps, and he echoes it. The painful knot in his throat eases, as does the weight in his lungs. Tears runs down his face, but they'll just be followed by more, so he doesn't wipe them away. When he can finally continue, he rests his head against hers, wrapping himself in the scent of her hair. She's real. They're both safe. It's 9:46.]
One time, he took me to a room in the mage quarters. They're more private, and this one was empty. Usually anything we did was quick, but this time, he pushed me down on the bed on my stomach. He held my head down and I could hardly breathe because of the bedding. He pushed my robes all the way up to my shoulders and...and he just... It's the most pain I've ever been in. He'd done it before, I don't remember how many times, but it wasn't his usual. And he took his time, like this was some sweet romantic moment. He kept breathing in my ear. Then the door opened.
It was another Templar. A man named...it doesn't matter. He started lecturing Lutair about how they were late to something. Picked up his trousers and threw them at him and said, "You can play with your toys later. We have to go."
And they left me there.
[His face burns from shame as it had on that day, though not as hotly.]
[ She doesn't wipe her own tears away, either. Barely registers that they're there, coursing over their fingers against her cheek, falling from her chin onto her legs or trickling down her neck. When the wind blows, it cools those slick trails and makes the air seem colder. ]
I'm so sorry that happened to you, Colin. Vhenan. [ There's no trace of pity in her voice, or on her face. With them temple to temple, practically cheek to cheek, he can surely feel the twitch of her brow, sense the set of her jaw. How she hates Lutair, and that other Templar. Maybe all Templars. ] If I could, I'd kill them for you. The way you killed Devigny for me in that nightmare. I'd keep you safe.
[ As if drawn to it by a magnet, she reaches out with her empty hand to touch his chest, knowing that those little stars are there beneath the fabric of his shirt. ]
[He knows what her hand is reaching for, and the reminder of it helps. The worst of the story is out now, and it feels like the wound is bleeding fresh now that the arrow has been pulled out. This is the most detail he's ever told anyone; though it's all haunted him all these years, it has only felt half-real because he's never spoken of it--except in public, before strangers, in a Fereldan court. Rather than being healing like this, it had only seemed to push the arrow in deeper.]
The other Templar testified against Lutair during the trial. Took him back to the Order and told them everything. He wrote me about the sentencing in a less-than-discreet way that outed my identity to the Chantry. I think he just wanted to do one thing to absolve himself so he could put it from his mind, but at least he turned up. When I started dealing lyrium to get the Templars to protect me, he was never one of the ones who did.
[ Part of her wants to ask his name, because if she knows that much, she knows enough to find him. Find him and look him in the eye and give him a reason to be such a coward. Athessa scoffs.
He could have done something. He could have stopped Lutair, could have stopped a lot of pain and suffering, but he didn't. Not even when he stood something to gain from it. ] I think you know everything I could have to say about self-serving cowards like that.
They're all taught to be loyal to each other. They're brothers. We're their charges, and sometimes their enemies. [His throat is getting sore. He takes a sip of wine to chase it away.]
So that's pretty much all I remember. It's a bit choppy in here, [he points to his head]. Sometimes I remember more. I'm not even sure how long it lasted. I think it was less than a year.
You'll probably find it kinda familiar, [ she smiles at him rubbing his face and reaches up to swipe some of the fresher tears away with her fingers. ] When I would run, he'd laugh and tell me that what he was going to do to me is all rabbits were good for. What I was made for.
[ She lets her hands rest on either side of his face, her thumb brushing over his cheek as she looks into his eyes. She wonders what they'd looked like, before everything that happened. Wonders what her own looked like. That was something the dreams got wrong, no matter what; there's no hiding this pain from someone else who knows it. She tips up her chin and kisses his forehead. ]
But it's over now. We're both safe, now. And we have each other, now. Even if we still carry it with us, it's not who we are.
[ He pulls her close, and she lays them both back against the rest of the chair, his legs extending past her feet and her head resting on his shoulder. Were he not slim, and she not so small, and neither of them comfortable enough with the other to lay this way, the chair wouldn't be able to hold them. Athessa puts her hand over the stars again, feeling his heartbeat through her palm. ]
You deserve the same, though I think we could deal with just being treated like people, huh.
When I was with Ciara...it took me a while to be okay with the idea of anybody touching me. Of having sex with anyone, even when I wanted to, because I thought...If I enjoy this, does that mean Devigny was right about me? If I become this, am I becoming what he made me?
Is there a chance there's still a part of you that that thinks you're proving Lutair right?
[There's a lengthy pause, and it's not because he thinks she might be wrong. He just needs to fight the low-grade nausea in the base of his throat that's been building all this time. After a moment, he reaches for her hand, running his thumb very gently over the new tattoo there. Forget-me-nots. It's been ten years, even if it feels like yesterday on days like this.]
[ She nods her understanding, looking to her tattoo as well. She's come a long way in fourteen years herself, but it seems there's always further to go. ]
It's hard to get past that. But...you deserve to get past it. You deserve to feel good, and safe in your own body, and safe enough to lay with someone if that's what you want. I know it doesn't make anything better right away to say it, but...all Lutair did was hurt you. And if he was right, the only feeling sex would give you is more pain.
[ Tilting her head up, she looks at him, saying nothing while she thinks of what else she might say. Should she say anything? The stars reflect in his dark eyes, making them seem like little discs of the night sky. ]
You deserve better than the fear he left you with.
[During those awful months, he had been alone with what happened to him. To this day, he has felt like somewhere inside him is that boy, and he is the only one who can acknowledge the depth of his hurt. If he moves ahead and truly heals, will that mean what he went through meant nothing?
He hopes so.]
I keep thinking about that kid I was then. I think of him as a part of me, and he's hurting. Like if I won't defend him, no one will. But that's...not reality. That kid is gone, just like the kid he was before Lutair, or the kid he was before the Circle. I'm not protecting anyone, least of all myself. I'm not bearing a banner for any helpless apprentice. I'm not helpless anymore.
[He looks up to the stars again. They're beautiful. The view from the balcony is beautiful. In the distance is the sea; beyond it, a wider world full of its own beauty. His head hurts, he's exhausted, but he feels lighter.]
If he's alive, he's going to come here to kill me. And he can try.
We keep having things in common, [ she laughs, and it's a strange little thing. Partly brought on by echoing the words he said to her back in the garden, that night after he saved her from her nightmare. Partly because she feels like he might be the only person who truly knows how she feels. ]
I've been trying so hard to be who I was before Devigny, to try and find who that was and where she's been hiding, but I don't think she exists anymore. So I thought...when we go to bury my clan, I might as well bury her, too.
[ She sniffles, but these tears aren't so painful as the others she's cried of late. Aggrieved, but somehow...hopeful. And the stars really are beautiful, aren't they? ]
We can grieve for ourselves and know that nobody can ever touch who we were ever again. Lutair can try to find you, but he'll be looking in the wrong place, for the wrong person, and he'll be sorry for it.
Me neither. [He tightens his arms around her.] Thank you for talking to me about this. I...don't know how I feel right now, besides tired, but I think I won't be so afraid.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tw: sexual abuse, cont.
Any number of the things he describes, she's familiar with. From Devigny, from the other girls at the Crimson Cat, from Ciara. She remembers the soreness. The stickiness. Bitter spit and sour words and blood and bile and bruises.
At his struggling, she shifts, moving from her chair to sit in front of him, keeping hold of his hand but limiting herself to just that touch in case touching his face would take him further into memory. ]
Colin, [ her voice is soft, and she looks him in the eye with a reassuring nod, though she can't help but reflect his tears. ] I'm here. You're alright, you're safe.
What did he say?
tw: sexual and mental abuse
He said this was what I was made for. That it was natural. That he was the Maker's righteous sword and I was cursed. That the holiest thing I could ever do was to serve him.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
[ Not was. Still is. Athessa presses his hand to her lips, then to her cheek as she leans forward to rest her temple against his. Though his words shake her in turn, she schools her breathing into something he can mimic, that he can focus on. In for four, hold. Out for eight. Twice more than Ciara taught her, because Richard taught her better. ]
He is evil, and wrong, and you did not deserve that. You weren't made for that. [ Because there is no Maker, is how her mind finishes that sentence, but it's not her place to say that now. ]
tw: sexual and mental abuse
The rhythm of her breathing helps, and he echoes it. The painful knot in his throat eases, as does the weight in his lungs. Tears runs down his face, but they'll just be followed by more, so he doesn't wipe them away. When he can finally continue, he rests his head against hers, wrapping himself in the scent of her hair. She's real. They're both safe. It's 9:46.]
One time, he took me to a room in the mage quarters. They're more private, and this one was empty. Usually anything we did was quick, but this time, he pushed me down on the bed on my stomach. He held my head down and I could hardly breathe because of the bedding. He pushed my robes all the way up to my shoulders and...and he just... It's the most pain I've ever been in. He'd done it before, I don't remember how many times, but it wasn't his usual. And he took his time, like this was some sweet romantic moment. He kept breathing in my ear. Then the door opened.
It was another Templar. A man named...it doesn't matter. He started lecturing Lutair about how they were late to something. Picked up his trousers and threw them at him and said, "You can play with your toys later. We have to go."
And they left me there.
[His face burns from shame as it had on that day, though not as hotly.]
tw: sexual and mental abuse
I'm so sorry that happened to you, Colin. Vhenan. [ There's no trace of pity in her voice, or on her face. With them temple to temple, practically cheek to cheek, he can surely feel the twitch of her brow, sense the set of her jaw. How she hates Lutair, and that other Templar. Maybe all Templars. ] If I could, I'd kill them for you. The way you killed Devigny for me in that nightmare. I'd keep you safe.
[ As if drawn to it by a magnet, she reaches out with her empty hand to touch his chest, knowing that those little stars are there beneath the fabric of his shirt. ]
tw: sexual and mental abuse
The other Templar testified against Lutair during the trial. Took him back to the Order and told them everything. He wrote me about the sentencing in a less-than-discreet way that outed my identity to the Chantry. I think he just wanted to do one thing to absolve himself so he could put it from his mind, but at least he turned up. When I started dealing lyrium to get the Templars to protect me, he was never one of the ones who did.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
He could have done something. He could have stopped Lutair, could have stopped a lot of pain and suffering, but he didn't. Not even when he stood something to gain from it. ] I think you know everything I could have to say about self-serving cowards like that.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
So that's pretty much all I remember. It's a bit choppy in here, [he points to his head]. Sometimes I remember more. I'm not even sure how long it lasted. I think it was less than a year.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
[ He's seen how fragmented her memory of what happened became in the dream. Her actual memory is not much better. ]
Did I ever tell you what Devigny said to me, back then?
tw: sexual and mental abuse
tw: sexual and mental abuse
[ She lets her hands rest on either side of his face, her thumb brushing over his cheek as she looks into his eyes. She wonders what they'd looked like, before everything that happened. Wonders what her own looked like. That was something the dreams got wrong, no matter what; there's no hiding this pain from someone else who knows it. She tips up her chin and kisses his forehead. ]
But it's over now. We're both safe, now. And we have each other, now. Even if we still carry it with us, it's not who we are.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
You don't just...you don't just deserve not to be treated badly. [He swallows.] You deserve to be treated like royalty.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
You deserve the same, though I think we could deal with just being treated like people, huh.
tw: sexual and mental abuse
[He rests his cheek against her hair with a sigh, feeling exhausted.]
After sex, do you ever feel like you've done something bad? Something to be ashamed of.
i think we can just assume a general cw now
Sometimes. When I enjoy myself too much. [ She laughs, just one soft breath of it. ] Or when I fall asleep in their bed after.
Is that how you feel? Ashamed?
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And guilty, sort of. I'm not sure why. Like...a smaller degree from what I felt after he hurt me, but I just. Don't know.
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Is there a chance there's still a part of you that that thinks you're proving Lutair right?
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A big part, [he whispers.]
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It's hard to get past that. But...you deserve to get past it. You deserve to feel good, and safe in your own body, and safe enough to lay with someone if that's what you want. I know it doesn't make anything better right away to say it, but...all Lutair did was hurt you. And if he was right, the only feeling sex would give you is more pain.
[ Tilting her head up, she looks at him, saying nothing while she thinks of what else she might say. Should she say anything? The stars reflect in his dark eyes, making them seem like little discs of the night sky. ]
You deserve better than the fear he left you with.
no subject
He hopes so.]
I keep thinking about that kid I was then. I think of him as a part of me, and he's hurting. Like if I won't defend him, no one will. But that's...not reality. That kid is gone, just like the kid he was before Lutair, or the kid he was before the Circle. I'm not protecting anyone, least of all myself. I'm not bearing a banner for any helpless apprentice. I'm not helpless anymore.
[He looks up to the stars again. They're beautiful. The view from the balcony is beautiful. In the distance is the sea; beyond it, a wider world full of its own beauty. His head hurts, he's exhausted, but he feels lighter.]
If he's alive, he's going to come here to kill me. And he can try.
no subject
I've been trying so hard to be who I was before Devigny, to try and find who that was and where she's been hiding, but I don't think she exists anymore. So I thought...when we go to bury my clan, I might as well bury her, too.
[ She sniffles, but these tears aren't so painful as the others she's cried of late. Aggrieved, but somehow...hopeful. And the stars really are beautiful, aren't they? ]
We can grieve for ourselves and know that nobody can ever touch who we were ever again. Lutair can try to find you, but he'll be looking in the wrong place, for the wrong person, and he'll be sorry for it.
no subject
[That’s the most he can speak of that man tonight, he thinks.]
Do you...want to sleep in my bed tonight?
[Dredging up this much often results in insomnia and nightmares. Having Athessa there would help, possibly for them both.]
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[ For more reasons than their conversation. ]
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You can talk to me about anything, no thanks needed. I wanna help you however I can, even just by listening.
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