When I was with Ciara...it took me a while to be okay with the idea of anybody touching me. Of having sex with anyone, even when I wanted to, because I thought...If I enjoy this, does that mean Devigny was right about me? If I become this, am I becoming what he made me?
Is there a chance there's still a part of you that that thinks you're proving Lutair right?
[There's a lengthy pause, and it's not because he thinks she might be wrong. He just needs to fight the low-grade nausea in the base of his throat that's been building all this time. After a moment, he reaches for her hand, running his thumb very gently over the new tattoo there. Forget-me-nots. It's been ten years, even if it feels like yesterday on days like this.]
[ She nods her understanding, looking to her tattoo as well. She's come a long way in fourteen years herself, but it seems there's always further to go. ]
It's hard to get past that. But...you deserve to get past it. You deserve to feel good, and safe in your own body, and safe enough to lay with someone if that's what you want. I know it doesn't make anything better right away to say it, but...all Lutair did was hurt you. And if he was right, the only feeling sex would give you is more pain.
[ Tilting her head up, she looks at him, saying nothing while she thinks of what else she might say. Should she say anything? The stars reflect in his dark eyes, making them seem like little discs of the night sky. ]
You deserve better than the fear he left you with.
[During those awful months, he had been alone with what happened to him. To this day, he has felt like somewhere inside him is that boy, and he is the only one who can acknowledge the depth of his hurt. If he moves ahead and truly heals, will that mean what he went through meant nothing?
He hopes so.]
I keep thinking about that kid I was then. I think of him as a part of me, and he's hurting. Like if I won't defend him, no one will. But that's...not reality. That kid is gone, just like the kid he was before Lutair, or the kid he was before the Circle. I'm not protecting anyone, least of all myself. I'm not bearing a banner for any helpless apprentice. I'm not helpless anymore.
[He looks up to the stars again. They're beautiful. The view from the balcony is beautiful. In the distance is the sea; beyond it, a wider world full of its own beauty. His head hurts, he's exhausted, but he feels lighter.]
If he's alive, he's going to come here to kill me. And he can try.
We keep having things in common, [ she laughs, and it's a strange little thing. Partly brought on by echoing the words he said to her back in the garden, that night after he saved her from her nightmare. Partly because she feels like he might be the only person who truly knows how she feels. ]
I've been trying so hard to be who I was before Devigny, to try and find who that was and where she's been hiding, but I don't think she exists anymore. So I thought...when we go to bury my clan, I might as well bury her, too.
[ She sniffles, but these tears aren't so painful as the others she's cried of late. Aggrieved, but somehow...hopeful. And the stars really are beautiful, aren't they? ]
We can grieve for ourselves and know that nobody can ever touch who we were ever again. Lutair can try to find you, but he'll be looking in the wrong place, for the wrong person, and he'll be sorry for it.
Me neither. [He tightens his arms around her.] Thank you for talking to me about this. I...don't know how I feel right now, besides tired, but I think I won't be so afraid.
[ She turns as much as she can without falling off the chair, so she's looking up at the sky when she closes her eyes for the count of one deep inhale, and exhale. Then, she nods and sits up, patting his leg. ]
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And guilty, sort of. I'm not sure why. Like...a smaller degree from what I felt after he hurt me, but I just. Don't know.
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Is there a chance there's still a part of you that that thinks you're proving Lutair right?
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A big part, [he whispers.]
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It's hard to get past that. But...you deserve to get past it. You deserve to feel good, and safe in your own body, and safe enough to lay with someone if that's what you want. I know it doesn't make anything better right away to say it, but...all Lutair did was hurt you. And if he was right, the only feeling sex would give you is more pain.
[ Tilting her head up, she looks at him, saying nothing while she thinks of what else she might say. Should she say anything? The stars reflect in his dark eyes, making them seem like little discs of the night sky. ]
You deserve better than the fear he left you with.
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He hopes so.]
I keep thinking about that kid I was then. I think of him as a part of me, and he's hurting. Like if I won't defend him, no one will. But that's...not reality. That kid is gone, just like the kid he was before Lutair, or the kid he was before the Circle. I'm not protecting anyone, least of all myself. I'm not bearing a banner for any helpless apprentice. I'm not helpless anymore.
[He looks up to the stars again. They're beautiful. The view from the balcony is beautiful. In the distance is the sea; beyond it, a wider world full of its own beauty. His head hurts, he's exhausted, but he feels lighter.]
If he's alive, he's going to come here to kill me. And he can try.
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I've been trying so hard to be who I was before Devigny, to try and find who that was and where she's been hiding, but I don't think she exists anymore. So I thought...when we go to bury my clan, I might as well bury her, too.
[ She sniffles, but these tears aren't so painful as the others she's cried of late. Aggrieved, but somehow...hopeful. And the stars really are beautiful, aren't they? ]
We can grieve for ourselves and know that nobody can ever touch who we were ever again. Lutair can try to find you, but he'll be looking in the wrong place, for the wrong person, and he'll be sorry for it.
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[That’s the most he can speak of that man tonight, he thinks.]
Do you...want to sleep in my bed tonight?
[Dredging up this much often results in insomnia and nightmares. Having Athessa there would help, possibly for them both.]
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[ For more reasons than their conversation. ]
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You can talk to me about anything, no thanks needed. I wanna help you however I can, even just by listening.
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[ She turns as much as she can without falling off the chair, so she's looking up at the sky when she closes her eyes for the count of one deep inhale, and exhale. Then, she nods and sits up, patting his leg. ]
Okay. Let's go.