[ She leads him to her room, because she finally claimed one for herself rather than staying in the group quarters and stowing her belongings underneath her bunk or in a footlocker.
Though she's already donated spare bedding to one of Sister Sara's causes, she has also hoarded a few plush blankets, layered beneath the sheets on her bed to make it more comfortable.
Athessa releases his hand to rummage through her disorganized belongings, not finding a pee-rolled joint like she hoped, but producing rolling papers and some elfroot. ]
Here, [ She sits by the fire that is blessedly already going strong and pats the floor next to her. ] this'll only take a sec.
Oh, [Colin sighs as he sits, already relaxing because this really is what he needs. He seldom smokes elfroot or drinks more than one glass of wine, preferring to keep his own head, but the last month or so has been a complete nightmare, despite his love for the job. He touches shoulders with Athessa, waiting for the joint to be rolled and lit.]
Haven't really been able to catch a break lately, have we?
[ She lights the joint, carefully and deftly, in the fireplace and takes a slow drag before handing it over. She puffs out the smoke and points to the dark circles under his eyes, and her own. ]
[ She shakes her head, and once she's gotten another lungful she pulls off the boots that she unfortunately has been instructed to wear. Not by Bastien, or for any part of training, but by Sawbones. To ward off the chill. ]
Nah, bard training has been fine. Mostly it's everything leading up to it. The dreams, Devigny, being a disappointment, and... [ She stretches out her legs to warm her toes by the fire. ] ...well. Before Nevarra, there was a mission that kinda went wrong.
We got caught and... [ She exhales and rests her head on Colin's shoulder. ] I... I dunno how else to say it, a blood mage tried to control me. Did control me.
[ It's frustrating, is what it is. With the elfroot haze settling over her comfortably, it's easier to look at things at arm's length and not be at the mercy of her emotions, but she still feels them. ]
That's horrible. [He takes the joint and takes the deepest drag he can. When he exhales through his nose, he rests his head against hers.]
You definitely have a problem with being vulnerable, [he observes,] like I have a problem with trusting people. Blood mages played a part in that, as well.
[Colin's brows go up as she gropes his face, but he also makes sure to aim the joint toward her fingers. Courteously.]
Those're the people I resent most. The ones who know, and don't do anything. Uldred, Lutair, Devigny, those people are just...animals. It's the sort of creature they are, and you don't expect anything different. But when people see, and they know it's wrong, and they do nothing.
[ She hums her agreement, smoke blown out through her nose. ]
Why can't we have more people like the ones who...catch ladies' hats when they get blown off, or who chase after people when they forget their change at the shop, or...I dunno. Just nice people.
Nice people, yeah. [He might need to smoke elfroot more often. He knows how he feels, he still feels it after a fashion, but he's not distressed by it. His brow furrows.] Do you think we'd be trying to take down evil men if it weren't for our backgrounds? I mean, you would. You're like that.
Maybe I'm only like that because of my background. Maybe I'd be a really horrible person if my whole family hadn't died.
[ Even though this is the first time she's said died rather than disappeared, she doesn't have to struggle with the words. What she does struggle with, is trying not to laugh. Because how absurd. ]
You would be. You're brave. I'm pretty sure I'd just be keeping my head down, trying to survive like always. [This doesn't upset him, somehow. After a second, he gasps as he realizes why.]
It's like those spirits were telling us: this is the best version of us. Yeah?
[Mind. Blown. He reaches for the joint, though he's pretty sure he's going to fall asleep against her soon. He can't remember why he was trying to stay awake.]
I'm still gonna punch those spirits in the fuckin' face, [ She hands the joint back, and slips off of his shoulder to reach for the bedspread where it drapes off of the mattress. ] and if I can't punch 'em in the face I'll punch 'em right outta the Fade.
[ The blanket brings with it the two pillows, which suits her fine. All the better to make a little nest in front of the fire. ]
But I don't think you'd be able to be pushed into doing good if it wasn't already in you.
Mm. [ She settles down on a length of the bedspread after fluffing her own pillow, curling on her side next to him. ] 'Cos you feel it. Even when it isn't wrongness you've gone through, you still like...
[ Here she gestures to the center of her chest, some imaginary core. ]
[He settles on a pillow and remembers the days of living in a single room with his family, seven in all. There wasn't space for anyone to have their own bed except for their parents, so all five children slept on one large bed. Or was it smaller beds pushed together? He's not always sure anymore. But this reminds him of it, the trust and familiarity of company leading to an innocent co-sleeping.]
I guess we don't have to be heroes to be all right, [he sighs, eyes drifting shut.] Just...do what we can.
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I think I know exactly what we both need.
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Though she's already donated spare bedding to one of Sister Sara's causes, she has also hoarded a few plush blankets, layered beneath the sheets on her bed to make it more comfortable.
Athessa releases his hand to rummage through her disorganized belongings, not finding a pee-rolled joint like she hoped, but producing rolling papers and some elfroot. ]
Here, [ She sits by the fire that is blessedly already going strong and pats the floor next to her. ] this'll only take a sec.
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[ She lights the joint, carefully and deftly, in the fireplace and takes a slow drag before handing it over. She puffs out the smoke and points to the dark circles under his eyes, and her own. ]
We match.
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Is it your bard training wearing you down? [he asks as he hands it back.]
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Nah, bard training has been fine. Mostly it's everything leading up to it. The dreams, Devigny, being a disappointment, and... [ She stretches out her legs to warm her toes by the fire. ] ...well. Before Nevarra, there was a mission that kinda went wrong.
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What happened?
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[ It's frustrating, is what it is. With the elfroot haze settling over her comfortably, it's easier to look at things at arm's length and not be at the mercy of her emotions, but she still feels them. ]
I think I have a problem with being vulnerable.
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You definitely have a problem with being vulnerable, [he observes,] like I have a problem with trusting people. Blood mages played a part in that, as well.
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Fuck those guys. Seriously. They just need to-- [ limp-wristed throwing gesture ] -- sod off already.
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[ Not that she can think of more than just the one problem, really, but why split hairs? ]
One less thing to be scared of if they'd just... [yawn] stop it.
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[Another drag.]
The Templars shutting us in with them. It's people who aren't evil, but don't care enough, those are the ones I'm most scared of.
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Those people might as well be evil. It's like...they could do something but don't. They let it happen.
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Those're the people I resent most. The ones who know, and don't do anything. Uldred, Lutair, Devigny, those people are just...animals. It's the sort of creature they are, and you don't expect anything different. But when people see, and they know it's wrong, and they do nothing.
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Why can't we have more people like the ones who...catch ladies' hats when they get blown off, or who chase after people when they forget their change at the shop, or...I dunno. Just nice people.
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[ Even though this is the first time she's said died rather than disappeared, she doesn't have to struggle with the words. What she does struggle with, is trying not to laugh. Because how absurd. ]
There's no way we wouldn't be.
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It's like those spirits were telling us: this is the best version of us. Yeah?
[Mind. Blown. He reaches for the joint, though he's pretty sure he's going to fall asleep against her soon. He can't remember why he was trying to stay awake.]
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[ The blanket brings with it the two pillows, which suits her fine. All the better to make a little nest in front of the fire. ]
But I don't think you'd be able to be pushed into doing good if it wasn't already in you.
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[ Here she gestures to the center of her chest, some imaginary core. ]
You feel it in your soul.
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I guess we don't have to be heroes to be all right, [he sighs, eyes drifting shut.] Just...do what we can.
[An ear-splitting yawn before he goes still.]
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Right. Good is good enough.
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