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[ The question hangs for a moment as she thinks about it. Thinks of when she's felt ashamed or embarrassed about sex and her part in it. ]
Sometimes. When I enjoy myself too much. [ She laughs, just one soft breath of it. ] Or when I fall asleep in their bed after.
Is that how you feel? Ashamed?
Sometimes. When I enjoy myself too much. [ She laughs, just one soft breath of it. ] Or when I fall asleep in their bed after.
Is that how you feel? Ashamed?
When I was with Ciara...it took me a while to be okay with the idea of anybody touching me. Of having sex with anyone, even when I wanted to, because I thought...If I enjoy this, does that mean Devigny was right about me? If I become this, am I becoming what he made me?
Is there a chance there's still a part of you that that thinks you're proving Lutair right?
Is there a chance there's still a part of you that that thinks you're proving Lutair right?
[There's a lengthy pause, and it's not because he thinks she might be wrong. He just needs to fight the low-grade nausea in the base of his throat that's been building all this time. After a moment, he reaches for her hand, running his thumb very gently over the new tattoo there. Forget-me-nots. It's been ten years, even if it feels like yesterday on days like this.]
A big part, [he whispers.]
A big part, [he whispers.]
[ She nods her understanding, looking to her tattoo as well. She's come a long way in fourteen years herself, but it seems there's always further to go. ]
It's hard to get past that. But...you deserve to get past it. You deserve to feel good, and safe in your own body, and safe enough to lay with someone if that's what you want. I know it doesn't make anything better right away to say it, but...all Lutair did was hurt you. And if he was right, the only feeling sex would give you is more pain.
[ Tilting her head up, she looks at him, saying nothing while she thinks of what else she might say. Should she say anything? The stars reflect in his dark eyes, making them seem like little discs of the night sky. ]
You deserve better than the fear he left you with.
It's hard to get past that. But...you deserve to get past it. You deserve to feel good, and safe in your own body, and safe enough to lay with someone if that's what you want. I know it doesn't make anything better right away to say it, but...all Lutair did was hurt you. And if he was right, the only feeling sex would give you is more pain.
[ Tilting her head up, she looks at him, saying nothing while she thinks of what else she might say. Should she say anything? The stars reflect in his dark eyes, making them seem like little discs of the night sky. ]
You deserve better than the fear he left you with.
[During those awful months, he had been alone with what happened to him. To this day, he has felt like somewhere inside him is that boy, and he is the only one who can acknowledge the depth of his hurt. If he moves ahead and truly heals, will that mean what he went through meant nothing?
He hopes so.]
I keep thinking about that kid I was then. I think of him as a part of me, and he's hurting. Like if I won't defend him, no one will. But that's...not reality. That kid is gone, just like the kid he was before Lutair, or the kid he was before the Circle. I'm not protecting anyone, least of all myself. I'm not bearing a banner for any helpless apprentice. I'm not helpless anymore.
[He looks up to the stars again. They're beautiful. The view from the balcony is beautiful. In the distance is the sea; beyond it, a wider world full of its own beauty. His head hurts, he's exhausted, but he feels lighter.]
If he's alive, he's going to come here to kill me. And he can try.
He hopes so.]
I keep thinking about that kid I was then. I think of him as a part of me, and he's hurting. Like if I won't defend him, no one will. But that's...not reality. That kid is gone, just like the kid he was before Lutair, or the kid he was before the Circle. I'm not protecting anyone, least of all myself. I'm not bearing a banner for any helpless apprentice. I'm not helpless anymore.
[He looks up to the stars again. They're beautiful. The view from the balcony is beautiful. In the distance is the sea; beyond it, a wider world full of its own beauty. His head hurts, he's exhausted, but he feels lighter.]
If he's alive, he's going to come here to kill me. And he can try.
We keep having things in common, [ she laughs, and it's a strange little thing. Partly brought on by echoing the words he said to her back in the garden, that night after he saved her from her nightmare. Partly because she feels like he might be the only person who truly knows how she feels. ]
I've been trying so hard to be who I was before Devigny, to try and find who that was and where she's been hiding, but I don't think she exists anymore. So I thought...when we go to bury my clan, I might as well bury her, too.
[ She sniffles, but these tears aren't so painful as the others she's cried of late. Aggrieved, but somehow...hopeful. And the stars really are beautiful, aren't they? ]
We can grieve for ourselves and know that nobody can ever touch who we were ever again. Lutair can try to find you, but he'll be looking in the wrong place, for the wrong person, and he'll be sorry for it.
I've been trying so hard to be who I was before Devigny, to try and find who that was and where she's been hiding, but I don't think she exists anymore. So I thought...when we go to bury my clan, I might as well bury her, too.
[ She sniffles, but these tears aren't so painful as the others she's cried of late. Aggrieved, but somehow...hopeful. And the stars really are beautiful, aren't they? ]
We can grieve for ourselves and know that nobody can ever touch who we were ever again. Lutair can try to find you, but he'll be looking in the wrong place, for the wrong person, and he'll be sorry for it.
Bastien has his name and description. We’ll know if he comes. And he’ll never know what hit him.
[That’s the most he can speak of that man tonight, he thinks.]
Do you...want to sleep in my bed tonight?
[Dredging up this much often results in insomnia and nightmares. Having Athessa there would help, possibly for them both.]
[That’s the most he can speak of that man tonight, he thinks.]
Do you...want to sleep in my bed tonight?
[Dredging up this much often results in insomnia and nightmares. Having Athessa there would help, possibly for them both.]
[ Sunlight spills in through the window to stretch out and bask on the floorboards like a lazy cat.
The light bounces around the room and gives it a gentle glow, so unlike the Gallows that Athessa can really see the appeal of living on the mainland. Maybe someday. For now, she feels the warmth of sunlight on her eyelids and pulls the blanket up as far as it'll go to block it out. In doing so she draws the edge of the blanket across Colin's nose.
She has curled up against him in her sleep, face smushed against his shoulder and a leg draped over his. And of course, her hair is a mess. ]
The light bounces around the room and gives it a gentle glow, so unlike the Gallows that Athessa can really see the appeal of living on the mainland. Maybe someday. For now, she feels the warmth of sunlight on her eyelids and pulls the blanket up as far as it'll go to block it out. In doing so she draws the edge of the blanket across Colin's nose.
She has curled up against him in her sleep, face smushed against his shoulder and a leg draped over his. And of course, her hair is a mess. ]
If the bright singsong “Bonjour, mon cher!” is to believed, this visit to the apartments is a great deal more pleasant than Alexandrie’s last.
“Es-tu ici?“ It’s called entirely for show; she knows he’s there, she’d asked when the door was opened for her. “I have a present for you.”
“Es-tu ici?“ It’s called entirely for show; she knows he’s there, she’d asked when the door was opened for her. “I have a present for you.”
[ A noble effort, but ultimately for naught as Athessa is dislodged from his shoulder at the slightest movement. Not dislodged from sleep enough to open her eyes, but she rolls over, then scoots closer again so she can still leech his warmth.
Poor Colin. At least it's only in the mornings that Athessa is a bed hog. ]
Poor Colin. At least it's only in the mornings that Athessa is a bed hog. ]
And she clucks, and preens, and leaves a comically pronounced lipstick print on his cheek in return, hugging him tightly before pulling back.
“Three presents then,” she amends. “Me, and two puzzles.”
“Three presents then,” she amends. “Me, and two puzzles.”
[ But...who needs breakfast when blanket burrito??
She huffs softly and grumbles a little but slowly starts to extract herself from the tangle of blankets and sheets. ]
One of these days I'm gonna— [ yawn ] —spend all day in bed. And it's gonna be great.
She huffs softly and grumbles a little but slowly starts to extract herself from the tangle of blankets and sheets. ]
One of these days I'm gonna— [ yawn ] —spend all day in bed. And it's gonna be great.
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