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[eyes widen briefly and he gives her a glance before sighing.]
I didn’t think he ever would like me. I would have just settled for him needing me. Once I realized that? I haven’t seen him since. That was weeks ago. I can’t carry him anymore. Doing so has been a great disservice to us both. If he asks for me, I’ll see him, but he needs to learn to act on his own instead of waiting for someone to give him whatever he wants.
I didn’t think he ever would like me. I would have just settled for him needing me. Once I realized that? I haven’t seen him since. That was weeks ago. I can’t carry him anymore. Doing so has been a great disservice to us both. If he asks for me, I’ll see him, but he needs to learn to act on his own instead of waiting for someone to give him whatever he wants.
[ Looking at him, she nods. Good. It's good that he knows already. ]
It's better to be wanted than needed, anyway.
[ Nods again. Like that's that. She presses her lips together in a tight smile and pats his cheek. ]
I'll bring you the rubbing of the dumb box later. And your pin. Don't really feel like having my hair down for a bit.
It's better to be wanted than needed, anyway.
[ Nods again. Like that's that. She presses her lips together in a tight smile and pats his cheek. ]
I'll bring you the rubbing of the dumb box later. And your pin. Don't really feel like having my hair down for a bit.
It's the day after her very productive therapy session with Benedict that she finds Colin again. On his way to or from somewhere to do something, surely. She falls in step alongside him coolly and matches his stride until he notices she's there.
That's fair, the bob of her head says.
"That's what I figured too, at first. He asked how you were and I said: do you actually care, or are you just scared to be alone down here?" Just thinking about it, she has to shake her head. The things that boy seems to believe are just...crazy.
"That's what I figured too, at first. He asked how you were and I said: do you actually care, or are you just scared to be alone down here?" Just thinking about it, she has to shake her head. The things that boy seems to believe are just...crazy.
"Yeah, I think... I think he's confused, and doesn't know how to tell what he feels. But I do think he cares more about your company than anyone else's." There's really no way for her to say for certain, but what he said about love and how he saw something of someone he loves in Colin...
"He's... wary, I think. Always looking for the catch, not because it's bound to be true but because he's been conditioned that way. The first thing he says, all the time, is the stupid shitty conditioned response. If he stops to actually think beyond that, then you actually get something real."
"He's... wary, I think. Always looking for the catch, not because it's bound to be true but because he's been conditioned that way. The first thing he says, all the time, is the stupid shitty conditioned response. If he stops to actually think beyond that, then you actually get something real."
As she speaks, tension appears in Colin's brow. He thinks. He wonders. Toward the end, that tension begins to drain. He is silent for a few moments after, till he inhales deeply through his nose.
"Well." His shoulders set. Something that was vulnerable is fortified now. "I think I can understand that. That's been my life for..."
And here he's gone and pushed back his belief that he can never be valued for himself, by demanding such a thing from Benedict instead of settling for being needed. A glimmer of a smile comes to the corner of his mouth.
"Thank you," he sighs, feeling as though a massive weight has been lifted. He looks down to the paper she gave him. "I want to paint him something with this design," he says. "I know it won't be the same, but it'll be something to remind him of his friend. And maybe he'll be able to get the box back from Yseult one of these days."
"Well." His shoulders set. Something that was vulnerable is fortified now. "I think I can understand that. That's been my life for..."
And here he's gone and pushed back his belief that he can never be valued for himself, by demanding such a thing from Benedict instead of settling for being needed. A glimmer of a smile comes to the corner of his mouth.
"Thank you," he sighs, feeling as though a massive weight has been lifted. He looks down to the paper she gave him. "I want to paint him something with this design," he says. "I know it won't be the same, but it'll be something to remind him of his friend. And maybe he'll be able to get the box back from Yseult one of these days."
Athessa shrugs, but smiles back too.
"Maybe, if he earns it," she glances at Colin, studying his face for a moment. "I told him he needs to think about whether or not he wants to earn your feelings, too, by the way. Something for him to think about until you see him again, which shouldn't be for a few days." Her look turns knowingly pointed at that. Part teasing, part warning.
"Maybe, if he earns it," she glances at Colin, studying his face for a moment. "I told him he needs to think about whether or not he wants to earn your feelings, too, by the way. Something for him to think about until you see him again, which shouldn't be for a few days." Her look turns knowingly pointed at that. Part teasing, part warning.
Colin's eyebrows lift.
"I don't hold any expectation of anything of the sort," he says firmly. "Just because I have...feelings, doesn't mean he owes me anything. Not to mention he's in prison. And doesn't know who he is."
There's a bit of a pause, then a smile he cannot help.
"So were you defending me to him?"
"I don't hold any expectation of anything of the sort," he says firmly. "Just because I have...feelings, doesn't mean he owes me anything. Not to mention he's in prison. And doesn't know who he is."
There's a bit of a pause, then a smile he cannot help.
"So were you defending me to him?"
And then it's her turn to raise her eyebrows.
"Course I was. Why wouldn't I?" He certainly isn't gonna defend himself, now is he? "It doesn't matter whether or not you expect anything from him, if he knows how you feel and uses it because it benefits him, then he should... not... do that."
"Course I was. Why wouldn't I?" He certainly isn't gonna defend himself, now is he? "It doesn't matter whether or not you expect anything from him, if he knows how you feel and uses it because it benefits him, then he should... not... do that."
[ She approaches very calmly and steadily, fingers interlaced. It's not to keep herself from fidgeting, of course. It's just a very normal, calm, unremarkable posture for an unremarkable visit from a friend. ]
Colin, I don't want to alarm you, but...the walnut is gone.
Colin, I don't want to alarm you, but...the walnut is gone.
[Colin looks exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and pallor everywhere else on his face. He looks at Athessa and waits for his brain to catch up with what she's saying.]
Um, [he says,] do you need it for dyeing, or for food?
[He takes out a sheet of paper he writes requisitions on and begins an entry.]
Um, [he says,] do you need it for dyeing, or for food?
[He takes out a sheet of paper he writes requisitions on and begins an entry.]
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